John has convinced himself Sherlock killed Magnussen for Mary, not him

 (Sherlock Meta by Loudest Subtext in Television)

Anonymous said: How do you think John felt when Sherlock killed CAM? Do you think that in the end of His Last Vow John knows how much Sherlock cares about him or does he think Sherlock did it for another reason (ex. being a sociopath)? Thank you for your amazing metas :)

Loudest Subtext in Television:

I think it’s pretty clear that by the end of His Last Vow, John thinks Sherlock is a sociopath when it comes to romantic relationships. That’s why we get the fake proposal scene and Sherlock calling love a “human error” and John being absolutely horrified. That’s why John says, “He’s Sherlock, who would he protect?” when he should know better: he’s been talking himself out of being in love with Sherlock again.

And John does know better: he figures it out when he sits in his chair that isn’t supposed to be there anymore, but he still can’t let himself believe it for long. He goes and hears what Mary says to Sherlock and John still compares Sherlock to Mary, saying the two of them should have gotten married. John really needs to believe that Sherlock is that terrible because he wants Sherlock that bad now that his marriage is ruined.

When Sherlock kills Magnussen, John has no clue Sherlock loves him romantically. I think the part of him that isn’t delusional knows that Sherlock cares about him, but he can’t entertain thoughts like that, so he can’t make sense of Sherlock’s actions.

I think the writers gave us John believing Sherlock to be heterosexual, and John assuming Sherlock is attracted to Mary when he says her name in the hospital, and John’s crack about how Sherlock and Mary should have gotten married, and Sherlock telling John to forgive Mary for killing him, and Sherlock choosing words that would imply to John that he killed Magnussen for Mary, because the writers have set John up to convince himself that Sherlock killed Magnussen for Mary. If you’re John, that’s not only the most obvious explanation, but the easiest out psychologically since he’s trying to quit torturing himself.

So at the end of His Last Vow, I think John can’t let himself believe Sherlock killed Magnussen for him. John has ALWAYS, since the first episode, ignored evidence that Sherlock cares about people in favor of convincing himself that Sherlock is a sociopath, even when it was obviously not true (The Great Game is the biggest example of this, I can’t get over how delusional John allows himself to be; he ignores everything Sherlock says and his reactions). Now that John’s married and has a kid coming, now that Sherlock has given him evidence he’s heterosexual and thinks love is a “human error,” now that John wants Sherlock worse than ever and knows he can’t be happy with anyone else, now that Sherlock is saying it’s the last time they’ll probably see each other, John cannot torture himself with further wishful thinking that Sherlock might love him. He went through that in The Sign of Three, it amounted to nothing and Sherlock had sex with the bridesmaid (as far as John knows), and John’s done.

He isn’t, of course, not really, it’s not that easy, but he has to be. John would have to be insane to hold out hope of anything with Sherlock right then. Loving Sherlock and hoping Sherlock will return his feelings has gotten John Watson five years of incredible pain, and no doubt John feels pathetic and stupid that his feelings have only gotten stronger.

So even though John knows Sherlock cares about him, he’s doing what he’s always done and burying that idea for his own sanity: the writers have given us the suggestion that John has convinced himself Sherlock did it for Mary instead.

Of course, John has told himself he’s done loving Sherlock before, over and over, and it’s never worked. Sherlock was dead and it didn’t work. John can tell himself whatever he wants and it won’t make a difference in the end. All John needs is the word from Sherlock and that’ll be it.