Does Mary Know? 

 (Sherlock Meta by Ivy Blossom)

I wrote a story post series 2 that proposed that John came to realize how he felt about Sherlock after Sherlock was apparently dead. While fanfiction can definitely be a meta argument of a kind, that one in particular isn’t one I would ever make.

I’m pretty convinced that John is already clear about his feelings for Sherlock through most of series 2. If Sherlock hadn’t taken a flying leap at the end, I would have written a story about John’s emotional journey towards accepting his feelings for Sherlock and set it entirely inside the earliest parts of A Scandal in Belgravia, which is where I think most of that internal action probably happened.

I think John is well aware of how he feels about Sherlock. But he won’t admit to it out loud. That’s what he won’t say to his therapist, isn’t it? And it’s what he doesn’t say at Sherlock’s grave. It doesn’t say it to Sherlock’s face in the train in The Empty Hearse either, which was another logical place to say it. It seems as if it’s something John physically can’t say.

So does he ever tell Mary?

My first instinct is to say no. If he couldn’t say it to his therapist, or alone at Sherlock’s grave, or to Sherlock in the moments before he believes they’re both going to die, how could he possibly say it to Mary? Mary represents moving forward, getting away from the dark hell of his long period of grief. Mary is moving on, so why would John even try to tell her this terrible, painful thing, finally putting into words something that never existed in words before? Could he do it, even if he wanted to?

But then, John told Mary about Sholto. And the way Mary comforts Sherlock at the wedding suggests that she knows about Sherlock, too. She could have just figured it out. She’s smart enough. But maybe he told her. Wouldn’t that be interesting?

I kind of love the idea that John told her. Maybe she’s the only person he’s been able to tell, about all of it.

Which makes sense. He decided to marry her. He feels close to her even though they haven’t known each other long. She probably knows a lot more about his emotional life than anyone else does. Sherlock is affronted about not knowing about Sholto. John didn’t tell Sherlock about him, according to Sherlock. But to Mary, John talks about him all the time.

So there are things John thinks about, and talks about, and longs for, that he doesn’t tell Sherlock about. And never did.

I kind of love that.

Because it’s like John and his relationship to physical affection. You might have thought that he isn’t a very demonstrative person until the wedding. When Sherlock tells the audience that he loves John, John cannot stop himself, he gives Sherlock a great big, delighted hug made of pure happiness, he hangs on to him and only relunctantly lets him go. It was an impulse he couldn’t restrain, even in front of an audience. Which suggests that he’s a much more affectionate person than we generally see, and that being affectionate is something he carefully modulates. He asks Mary not to let him hug Sherlock, which seals it even more. John wants to be demonstrably affectionate, but holds himself back for a variety of reasons. Who gets to know about John’s feelings might be similar.

If he’s told Mary about his intense relationship with Sholto, and about his feelings for Sherlock, it suggests that when John feels safe in a relationship, he talks. He may still find it difficult, but he overcomes it.

So if Sherlock ever gets his act together, he could have a cuddly John who uses his words to let Sherlock know how he feels. Which is a nice thought, no?