Johnlock: Sherlock’s feelings for John, episode by episode

 (Sherlock Meta by Loudest Subtext In Television)

Sherlock feels sentiment is destructive.  It ruins one’s ability to think, and he can’t bear to get attached to people because it hurts too much to lose them.  He also hates how people manipulate one another’s emotions; it disgusts him.  He can’t even begin to contemplate sex and relationships.

He gets lonely, though, so he wants someone around — but no one can ever stand Sherlock.  If they like him it’s usually hero worship and they always have expectations of him, or want things from him, and he’s never been able to be a normal person.  People get disappointed and leave.

Until John.  Sherlock gets attached to John and doesn’t like how it compromises his ability to think.  He is constantly obsessing over John leaving or dying.  But he can’t function without him when he tries to push him away, and making John feel bad makes Sherlock feel bad.

Here is the thread of Sherlock’s feelings for John, episode by episode, below the cut:

Sherlock in A Study in Pink:  Ex-army doctor with an alcoholic sister who does things when I ask — this could work.  He could potentially handle a lot more of my quirks than other people.  Better run him through the paces.  Wow, he’s still here.  Er, wait, is he just attracted to me?  Okay, NO John, I’m married to my work.  Don’t be weird about this, please.  Alright.  Seems good.  Cured the limp, that was easy.  He handled the drug habit well.  Oooh, time to play with the cabbie!  WHAT THE FUCK, WHO SHOT HIM?  WAS I RIGHT?  AAAARGH.  I can’t stand when people get something over on me!  FUCK YOU DEAD GUY, SAY HIS NAME.  Moriarty, thanks.

So I guess I can deduce that the guy who shot him was— oh.  Oh!  Ahaha.  Hahaha.  John.  Wow.  He shot a guy for me.  And he worked out where I was, damn!  This is amazing.  I’m so happy.  I have a friend and a new nemesis!  Let’s go eat Chinese food and I will be myself like I can’t be around other people!

Sherlock in The Blind Banker:  Hey Sebastian, I have a FRIEND now.  …Oh, a colleague?  Right.  Of course.  Fine John, whatever.  I’ll break into people’s flats by my damn self, I don’t need anyone.  I did this shit before you, John, you know.  You’re not like, you know, some conductor of light that my brain needs to make deductions.  That’d be… stupid.  You don’t complete me or anything.

… You’re going on a date?  We were doing a good job spending 24/7 together, what gives?  Why mess with a good thing?  Whatever, I’m going on your date too.

Damn I almost got John’s girlfriend killed.  It’s cool, I’ll save her and be really nice to her when I do it.  Phew.

Almost got John killed too.  It would have been my fault, because they were after me.  And he’s probably going to want to leave now, right?  That all… makes me feel bad inside.  Don’t obsess over it.  (Why am I obsessing over it.  He didn’t leave.  Stop.)

Sherlock in The Great Game:  I DON’T NEED ANYONE AND YOUR BLOG IS STUPID AND YOU’RE STUPID.  Wait, where are you going?  Oh god… John come back.  No, fine!  Stay with your girlfriend, I don’t care.  Caring is not an advantage.  Alone protects me.  I’M NOT STILL SAD ABOUT MY LOYAL, COMFORTING DOG THAT GOT PUT DOWN WHEN I WAS A CHILD, AND JOHN IS NOT LIKE THAT DOG IN ANY WAY.

KABOOM.  Moriarty!  Yes!  Puzzles!  This is great!  Glad you’re back, let’s go solve crimes John!  Man, I’m doing so good, aren’t I, John?  Yeah I think so, too.  I’m so fucking high off crime-solving right now you wouldn’t believe it.  Why did I ever do drugs?  Why don’t we just solve crimes together FOREVER?

Ohhh shit.  That old woman and a bunch of other people got blown up.  Not my fault.  No, not my fault.  I told her not to say anything else.  I can’t afford to feel bad about this right now, it won’t do any good and it could happen again.  Moriarty is seriously dangerous.

…John is really pissed at me.  Look, John, don’t make me out to be a hero or you’re going to be disappointed.  What was he expecting?  Man… is he really not even going to help with the case because I’m not sad enough, or whatever?

This is it, isn’t it.  He’s going to move out.  He’s going to move out because I’m not normal and I’m going to be alone and— okay, thank god.  He’s helping.  I need to… try to be better about this sort of thing or he won’t stick around.  I can do that.  I can try.

Hey John, nothing to see here, I’m just watching TV and I promise to… whatever you just asked, yeah go and see your girlfriend; guess she’s good for something after all.  Okay, now I can meet Moriarty alone and John won’t be in danger.  Great.  This is why I’m a super genius.

HE FUCKING KIDNAPPED JOHN.  OH MY GOD.  OH MY GOD.  Okay, god, just think.  Try to think.  Stay calm, get through this.

John just… offered to die for me… I don’t… even…

Thank god.  Moriarty left.  JOHN ARE YOU OKAY?  Oh my god I hate this.  This is what Mycroft has always warned me about.  And it’s my fault, it would have been ALL MY FAULT if something happened.  He’s going to want to leave now, isn’t he?  Why wouldn’t he?  Someone is always kidnapping him.

He’s staying, for some reason. I… Alright.  Weird decision for someone who doesn’t even consider himself my friend, but I’m not going to argue.  Thank god I’ve got his hero worship obsession going for me.  Just need to keep that to manageable levels.

I need to not be so attached to John.  For both our sakes.  Then I’ll be able to think clearly, and people won’t use him against me, and he’ll never be murdered or leave EVER.

Sherlock in A Scandal in Belgravia:  John really romanticizes the cases.  I don’t get why people embellish things.  What do they get out of it?  It’s so stupid.  Why pretend things are other than what they are?  It’s asking for disappointment.  Don’t make it so easy for me to disappoint you, John.

John is a big help with all these boring cases I can’t be bothered with.  I don’t even have to get dressed sometimes.  But now the Queen is hassling me or something.  I guess you can’t win ‘em all.  I’m still not putting on pants.

Oh hey John.  Yes it would be funny to steal an ashtray.  I’ll steal one for you, you’ll like that.  Dominatrix?  Boring.  Sex makes people so boring, they act like idiots.  I don’t even acknowledge my sexual urges, I don’t understand why other people can’t control themselves.  Not taking the case.

Alright fine, I’ll take it, Mycroft, god.  I’ll get to wear a disguise, that’ll be fun.

Punch me, John.  He’ll do it if I punch him first.  Yup:  super genius.  I’ll fake my way in.  That was easy.  Go look around John, you’re so helpful.  Remember the plan, set a fire, etc!  We’re like spies!

[Note: if you watch this episode with a heteronormative mindset, then you assume Sherlock would naturally be into Irene and that’s what you see.  But knowing what we know from TSoT and HLV, Sherlock is gay, never had sex with Irene, and didn’t have sex with Janine.  That’s always been kind of obvious in ASiB, imo: he actually detests Irene, and that’s how I’ve read the episode for some time.

Rewatch the episode after reading this if you need to.  The camera makes very clear that it was what John said at the power station that stunned Sherlock, and that he does the big deduction to impress John, not Irene.  You actually have to disbelieve everything Sherlock actually says in order to think he’s into Irene.  Hetero-baiting, everyone.  Here comes Irene.]

WHOA NAKED WOMAN.  What the hell is she doing?  I have absolutely NO idea what she could mean by this.  She’s trying to distract me, but from what?  Nothing to go on.  And she knows I’m in disguise.  Shit.  I have no backup plan.  She could do anything and I have nothing to go on.  I can’t afford to get like this.  Keep her talking.  JOHN.  Okay, stare at John.  Deduce John.  That’s comforting.  I’ve still got it.  Irene?  Nothing.

I need to watch her like a hawk.  She’s up to something.  What is she talking about the hiker for?  What the fuck is going on?  WHY IS JOHN SITTING BY HER?  WHY IS SHE FLIRTING WITH JOHN?  “ASLDKJS:LFJSF— The position of the car” god what is wrong with me?  Okay, concentrate.  GO FORTH AND EXECUTE OUR AWESOME PLAN JOHN.

I’ll deduce to pass the time.  You bore the shit out of me, Irene, why don’t you try thinking for once.  Thanks for playing along.  FIRE ALARM, there we go.  Great job, John.  We are the dream team!  Deducing the hell out of this safe code now.

THEY’RE GOING TO SHOOT JOHN IN THE HEAD, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?  Is he seriously going to die because I couldn’t think clearly?  Why does this keep happening?!  …Ohhhh thank god, thank god.  Duh.  It’s her measurements.  That’s the sort of dumb sex shit she would use.  You’re flattered, Irene?  “Don’t be.”  It was obvious.  Boring.

Let’s get out of here John, I have her phone, I just need the code.  Wanna tell me, Irene?  Well, it was worth a try asking.  I don’t care if you die, peace out.  Why did she just caress— DAMN IT.  I knew I had to watch her.  She is fucking crazy.  She just drugged and whipped me.  AND SHE THINKS SHE BEAT ME?  NO ONE BEATS ME.  THIS ISN’T OVER.  John I—  “John!”

What the fuck is wrong with her!  She was in my fucking room!  She is crazy!  And she’s clearly much more clever than I thought!  I don’t know what she’s going to do!  I took my attention off her for a second and then this!  I DON’T NEED YOU JOHN I DON’T NEED ANYONE.  This is why sex is stupid.  She just uses it to manipulate people.  I can’t imagine how much worse things would have gone if I had fallen for any of her shit.

Why is this crazy woman texting me now?  What’s her game?  Geez, she’s really blowing up my phone.  What does she want from me?  I’m not going to talk about this because I hate admitting I don’t understand something.  I’ll figure it out soon, I’m sure.  Oh, she has something BIG on that phone, doesn’t she Mycroft?  Oh, I’m to stay out of it, Mycroft?  Now I’m all OVER this.

I fucking hate Christmas.  John is seeing Harry and he has all his stupid girlfriends all the time now.  I can’t even think well when he’s not here.  I shouldn’t need him around so much.  Ugh, Molly is so obviously in love, let’s read the tag, it’s — me?

Wait, what the hell?  Why would anyone be in love with me?  I don’t even have friends.  Wow, now John thinks I’m a dick too.  I’m sorry Molly.  And there’s Irene texting again.  Have you really been counting all my texts, John?  You just love when I don’t know stuff, don’t you?  Oh, this gift is her phone.  She’s probably dead.  Yeah, she’s dead.  Well, I didn’t want that to happen.

Should I have protected her?  John hates it when people die because of me.  You ever think it’s weird we don’t care about people, Mycroft?  Like maybe we should care?  Nah, you’re right Mycroft.  We shouldn’t care about people.  I shouldn’t be so attached to John.  He’s not even my friend, according to him, so.  Going to spend Christmas night in my room instead of with John, NOT CARING like a BOSS.

All these feelings, though.  Going to compose sad music.  Helps me think.  “What are you thinking about?”  QUICK CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO A CASE.  The Work, The Work is everything.  It is all I need.  I still want to know what’s going on with this phone, Mycroft doesn’t want me involved with whatever this is.

Where’s John going?  I should really quit following him everywhere but he could get kidnapped at any time.  Nope, not gonna— WHO IS KIDNAPPING HIM THIS FUCKING TIME?  That’s not one of Mycroft’s girls.

John thinks I’m heartbroken over Irene?  Irene is alive?  Okay, yeah, let him keep thinking that then, better than thinking I’m a dick.  Man he’s being really… protective of me.  That’s going to get you killed one day, John.  Irene thinks we’re a couple?  What?  Right, John’s not gay.  What does Irene even mean by that?  Molly is one thing, but, John wouldn’t…  Does John want some kind of…?

Flee.  Brain is broken.  Can’t… think…

… Mrs. Hudson!  I am so sick of this shit.  I am so sick of people using the people I care about against me.  FUCK YOUR FACE CIA GUY, I WILL END YOU.  John go take care of Mrs. Hudson, I don’t want you to see this, you won’t like me.  OUT THE WINDOW.  OUT THE WINDOW.  OUT THE WINDOW.  I really don’t handle sentiment well, god.

John, I don’t know why Irene said we were a couple and I’m not going to discuss it.  I’ve never even considered something like that.  You’re so straight with all your girlfriends, and I don’t do sentiment because I throw people out of windows, and we’re both safe.  You’re not going to have any expectations of me, and I’m not going to disappoint you, and this is working as it is.  I’m going to focus on this case.

Now this games-playing crazy woman is in my bed.  Well shit, I have to help her or John will think I’m heartless, and I still need to know what’s on this phone to figure out what Mycroft doesn’t want me getting involved in.

Well, I have to admit she really turned this fake phone trick back on me.  “You’re rather good.”  Wait, why is John so pissy now?  Baby names what?  Okay, a deduction will cheer him up.

Well, she just kissed me on the cheek, that’s annoying, but:  DEDUCTION!  John?  Yes, John loved that.  Didn’t miss a beat even with this idiot trying to distract me.  Okay, I have to keep explaining, they don’t get it.  John loves this.  Please don’t feel obliged to compliment me, Irene, John does it all the time and I don’t care what you think.

Okay, she’s trying to be seductive, what is she up to now?  Until I begged for mercy twice?  Am I supposed to like that?  What is it like in your funny little brain?  What’s about to happen?  Syringe again?  Knife?   What?  WHAT?  John can you check those flight schedules, I can’t take my eyes off this crazy woman or god knows what will happen.

Now that I’m deducing I literally forget Irene exists and turn my back on her.  Okay, John, listen up, this is what I’m thinking:  “Coventry.”  Wait, what the hell?  “Where’s John?”  Hours ago?  But I was just talking to him.  Why does he do that?  Who am I supposed to talk to?  Why did he leave me alone with a violent crazy woman?

Oh fine, I’ll talk to her.  It worked okay before.  Can’t be any worse than the skull, anyway.  She’ll probably call me clever.  Okay, this is just the inklings, but…

— Have I ever had anyone, what does that have to do with—?  Oh.  I see. Officially worse than the skull, then.  How am I supposed to think when she’s always trying to manipulate me and distract me?  Why does she even do this?  I swear.  You try to help someone.

Why is she touching me?  Okay, that’s a bit much.  She couldn’t possibly…?  Pupils… Oh wow, that’s pathetic.  How does one even pretend at this, much less mean it?  I guess you just sort of…  That actually worked.  Pulse… yeah, that’s really what this is about.  She’s in love with me.  Well.  That’s dull.  ‘If it were the end of the world,’ really Irene?  Isn’t that romantic.  It’s Mrs. Hudson, not the apocalypse.  How do you people even think of these comparisons?  What do you get out of them?  Am I supposed to be enticed by this?

Thank god Mycroft is getting me out of here, this couldn’t get more boring.  Well, she was disappointing in the end.  It’s actually better deducing to myself aloud in this car.  No one interrupts me and I’ve figured it all out.

Hello Mycroft.  Mm-hm, very nice airplane of corpses.  Clever.  What?  It won’t fly why?  Well, you probably shouldn’t hire idiots that want to impress other idiots like Irene Adler, why are you telling me— Wait, you’re talking about me?  I don’t care about impressing Irene.  (I’ll never admit I was trying to impress John or help Irene because I’m trying to be nicer or that I got involved with the case because you told me to stay away from it.)  Mycroft, that’s INSULTING, you can’t honestly think—

Oh, hello Irene.  Right.  Right.  Stupid. So stupid of me.  Of course.  I knew she was planning something.

Okay, I knew this.  I’ve told myself over and over to not care about people, it makes me screw up cases, and now here I am.  And both Irene and Moriarty know John is my pressure point.  I can’t afford to have pressure points.

I can’t believe I allowed myself to get played by a sentimental idiot.  God, Mycroft, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to screw you over.  Oh, aren’t you smug Irene.  You got lucky.  I wasn’t all there.

Might still be time to figure this out, set things right.  Come on, come on.

Oh, Moriarty calls me The Virgin, does he?  Who cares.  You people and your warped priorities, you—

Oh.  OH.

Oh, Irene.  I know what you think I would never guess.  You think because I don’t respond like you expect, I don’t understand how people work.  But I do:  I read you like a book.  Yeah, act like you don’t care: all your emotions are faked, you sicken me.  There, you see?  I just touched you again and look at you.  SHER-locked, bam!  Nailed it.  No, I don’t care that you love me, you manipulative moron, you just made me look like an idiot in front of my brother!  I helped you and this is what you did even though you were in love with me!  Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side, you’re a loser, no I won’t have dinner with you, and yes you can die for all I care. People like you are everything that’s wrong in this world.

I wish she’d quit crying.  That’s rather… You know what, I’ll just leave.  That’s easy.

Later:

…maybe I was a bit harsh.

She was going to die, what was she supposed to do?  So few people like me, too… am I really going to let her die because she was in love with me?  John wouldn’t like that I threw her to wolves.  John wouldn’t like if she turns up dead.  Can’t afford to have him think I’m heartless and leave; then Irene really would have beaten me.  He’s going out of town and I haven’t been to Pakistan in a while.  I could wear a costume.  And get a big sword!  Like a pirate!

That’s sorted then.

Yup: nailed it.  Alright bye Irene — no sex, sorry.

Hey John, yes, what about Irene?  (Did that get back to Mycroft?  Had to make it look like she was dead but I was hoping… Shit, she didn’t die later did she?)  Witness protection program?  FUCK YES.  GIVE ME THAT PHONE.  BYE.  You don’t own me Irene Adler!  BEST AND LONGEST CASE I EVER SOLVED.  IN THE DRAWER, I BEAT THE WOMAN.  SUPER GENIUS FOREVER.  Wow I really have a lot of phones from cases.  Hm.

Sherlock in The Hounds of Baskerville:  I’m so hard-up for a case that I will take this just because this guy said a funny word.  Help me play this Beware the Hound guy, John.  Good job.  Time to check out Baskerville.  I’ll be Mycroft Holmes and you be Captain John Watson.  Good job.  Really… really good job.  Damn, I feel funny.

John is indispensable now.  To the work.  Indispensable to the work.  That’s okay, right?  Just making use of my resources.

Alright Henry, let’s go see this “hound,” where’s it supposed to — JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.  I CANNOT POSSIBLY— WHERE DID JOHN GO?  IF JOHN WERE HERE I COULD THINK.  This is not real this is not real this is not real.  WAIT SHIT JOHN’S DEAD ISN’T HE?  IT FINALLY HAPPENED.  No, god, it’s not real, I didn’t see anything.

What is wrong with my brain?  Why do I feel like this?  Okay okay okay, time to, just, drink, calm down.  I cannot think.  I cannot afford to get like this.  I seriously saw a fucking hound, I’m losing it, this is what happens with sentiment: people get irrational.  And now I’m actually afraid — John don’t you see, I’ve always been able to keep myself distant, and now— THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.  Deduce deduce deduce!  CALM MYSELF WITH LOGIC.  LEAVE ME ALONE.  I DON’T HAVE FRIENDS.  I had this sentiment garbage under control until YOU showed up.

…Now he left.  I was supposed to keep him from leaving, wasn’t I?  Wait, no, alone protects me.  I don’t know.  Need him for the work.  Apologize.  How?  John likes women.  Throw a woman at him.  Interview Henry Knight’s therapist, John.

John’s still pissed.  Heeey so UMQRA?  No?  Did you get laid?  I’m sorry you didn’t get laid.  God, fine:  JOHN YOU’RE MY ONLY FRIEND, YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ARE FANTASTIC, YOU ARE MY CONDUCTOR OF LIGHT.  That’s a good clue John, thank you.  Have some drugged apology coffee.  We’re good?  We’re good.

Okay, let’s break into Baskerville.  I have to make you think you’re crazy.  Well, that worked.  But shit, it wasn’t the sugar?  EVERYONE GTFO, MIND PALACE TIME.

I deduced everything!  Let’s go the moor.  Henry, I’m feeling really sympathetic to you right now, please don’t blow your brains out: try to remember what happened so you can get peace with it.  OH JESUS CHRIST IS THAT MORIARTY?  I CAN’T THINK RIGHT NOW, DON’T KILL JOHN.  Right, right, that’s Frankland.  And he got blown up.  Case closed, that was fantastic.

Oh.  Right.  Sorry John.  And sorry about the coffee.  I’ll uh… try to be better.  Just don’t leave.  Please.

The Reichenbach Fall:  Moriarty is going to use John against me again.  Caring about him won’t help him, I have to think.  John, Mycroft and I have this plan where Moriarty ruins me: PLEASE DON’T BELIEVE IT but also believe it.  Wow, I wasn’t expecting Moriarty to pretend to be someone else entirely.  SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

What do I do?

Okay, fake my own death probably.  Got that worked out with Mycroft.  Have to get John away, that’s a given: if I meet Moriarty with John, he’ll just try to kill John.  John would never let me meet Moriarty alone, though.  So… He’ll believe I don’t care about Mrs. Hudson, he always thinks I’m heartless.  “Friends protect people.”  John, I’m the whole reason you’re in danger.

Wait, Moriarty has snipers trained on people?  And he just blew his brains out?  That leaves Lazarus then.  John needs to see this.  Wow, I’m telling him I’m a fake and he still believes in me.  That’s…

Well, here goes.

Nailed it.  Death faked.  Time to watch my own funeral.

…Wow, John, that’s really touching.  You really don’t want me to be dead?  You’re so loyal.  Maybe I shouldn’t have worried so much about you leaving.  Maybe it would have been okay to care more.  I guess people would have still tried to kill you, but they did that when I didn’t let myself care anyway.

Stay right there, I’m going to take out Moriarty’s whole network so we can be together again.

Friends are great.  John was right that friends protect people.  If it weren’t for Molly and everyone else who helped I probably would have had to really kill myself.

Sherlock in The Empty Hearse:   That’s Serbia sorted out.  Terrorism what, Mycroft?  When can I see John?  Do I look nice?  I need my coat, John thinks I look cool in it.  John’s going to be so happy, he wanted me to not be dead, and I’m gonna be like, “Not dead!”  Haha.  Then we’re going to solve crimes together.  Whatever Mycroft, you didn’t hear him at my grave and you don’t know shit about having friends.  I’m cooler than you, “blud.”  I’m an international gangster genius and you work at a desk, fattie.

Restaurant?  Okay.  Here I am.

Oh jesus christ there’s John.  Suddenly nervous.  What to do what to do what to do?  Disguise.  Hide everything.  I’m brilliant.  CROISSANT CROISSANT.  Seriously John?  Am I that good or are you that bad?  Okay is he proposing to this woman?  HEY STOP IT’S ME.  Oh… shit.  He’s super upset.  I feel terrible.  Apologize, apologize.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  God, that wasn’t funny, why did I say that?  …Then why did I say that too?  OUCH JOHN WHAT THE HELL.

Okay, I’ll tell him how I did it and he’ll tell me I’m clever and we’ll be back to norm— OW.

Alright, third time’s the charm.  John is a danger slut, let’s try it this way:  COUNTER PROPOSAL, ME AND YOU AGAINST THE REST OF THE WORLD—

My fucking face.  Christ.  He hates me.  I did not foresee this.  If this Mary woman will really talk John around, then… fine.

I still have other friends.  I need to go say hi to them.  Hey y’all.

You know what Mycroft, not being able to handle a broken heart is a sign of weakness.  Friends are good.  I have people that like me even though I’m different.  It’s fine, I’m fine.  I’m handling this broken heart like a champ.

So… cases.  Right.  Let’s do that.  So lonely.  Molly might like solving crimes.  She’d definitely try it anyway; she’s obsessed with me, like John was.  She might work out.

This skeleton, huh?  Better… deduce…  Why does John hate me?  In the past he criticized me for for being a smart arse, and a show-off, and for being jealous and possessive.  I should try not to be those things. If he ever even speaks to me again.  It was pretty awful of me to fake my death, wasn’t it?  This isn’t the same with Molly.  Why’d I go through all this trouble if I can’t have John back?  God I’m lonely.  Big empty mind palace…

Wanna hang out Molly?  No?  Okay, it’s cool.  Thanks so much.  I mean that.  Sorry I’m inadvertantly jerking you around when I’m not into you, I didn’t really mean to.  I truly hope you’ll be happy with Tom.

WHO THE FUCK IS KIDNAPPING JOHN NOW?  He’s not even my friend anymore and he’s— thank god, we saved him.  It’s really for the best if I’m not in his life anymore.  He was kidnapped or threatened by bad guys in four out of six previous episodes.  He’s better off with Mary.

He seriously almost died.  Because of me.  The moment I come back, and… God I’m crying a lot lately.

MOM, DAD, GTFO, JOHN IS HERE.  Heeey John god I’m sorry I don’t know what to say, there’s nothing I can say, I’m such a piece of shit.  Figures that I sort this case out the minute you’re here, though.  Let’s go find a bomb.  No, don’t call the police.  I need to talk to you alone and I’m not waiting for them in public and heading down in a group, I already called them, come on.

The bomb should be here but it isn’t.  Oh it’s this way.  And there’s the bomb.  Wow.  And now it’s counting down.  Oh fuck.  I’ve done it again, haven’t I?  JOHN DO YOU NOT GET THAT I FUCK UP SOMETIMES?  I DON’T KNOW WHY THOSE PEOPLE KIDNAPPED YOU AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO STOP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DIFFUSE A BOMB.  We’re going to die and I’m sorry, I’m just continually ruining your life, and— fine, mind palace, I guess, I— Oh.

I’ll just… switch this off.  And apologize for what this almost was, and the bonfire, and four of six previous episodes, and just generally hurting him constantly, while it’s still fresh.  I feel so guilty and it’s killing me.  John, I’m so terribly sorry.  You could have a safe future with Mary and I almost ruined it twice now.  (Not with me.  God why is that so painful?)  He forgives me?  HOW can he actually forgive me?  I can’t…

HAHAHA jokes jokes.  It was a joke.  LOL, gotcha.  (Oh thank god.)

John is getting married.  That’s for the best.  I’m lucky he even wants to be around me.  I won’t be jealous, and I’m lucky his wife doesn’t hate me for all the stuff that’s happened, and she’s not nearly as boring as the people he dated before.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself anymore but he’s… around.  And I have to keep myself… around or he’ll be super depressed again.

Sherlock in The Sign of Three:  I’m John’s best friend?  WHAT?

Brain is broken.

Okay.  Wow.  Best man.  Gotta write this speech.  Stupid, romantic thing, wedding speeches.  Ugh.  So.  How do I feel about John?  How do people feel about other people?  I don’t know.  I guess he’s brave and can save people’s lives and is pretty much the best person I’ve ever met in the world and the only one I think about constantly or ever want to hang out with.  My reason for living and breathing and the only person I’d die for, as it were.  Tedious.  He’s also really hot, but I don’t know why.  I’ll do some research on beauty, see if I can work that in.  People like beauty, or whatever.

Fuck, I don’t know how to write these things.

Let’s just go with: I’m pretty much the worst person in the world and John inexplicably puts up with me, and the only reason I’m not a worse piece of shit is because I try to be better for him.  It’s all true, it’s not embellished drivel.

That’ll have to do.

I’ll just plan John’s whole wedding.  Gives me something to do.  Cases aren’t any fun without John, so…  Look into everyone who responds to Mary’s tweets and how quickly.  Figure out everyone who hates Mary.  Intimidation.  Compose a waltz for violin.  Record it and play it and practice the dance so it’s perfect.  Teach John to dance.  Typical best man duties, I’m sure.

I should YouTube how to fold serviettes.

His stag night has to be perfect.  We’ll do a pub crawl on every street we found a corpse, John likes corpses.  And I’ll make sure he doesn’t get too drunk or that won’t be fun — Molly can help with that.  And I guess I have time to program and license an iPhone app to track all this, it’s not like I’ve got anything else on.

Who is this Major Sholto guy and why is he so important to John?  Why has he never mentioned him?  Don’t say anything, John doesn’t like when I’m jealous.  Why am I jealous?

Stag night time!  Going perfectly.  Man, I— HEY FUCK YOU I KNOW ASH.  I WILL DESTROY YOU.  God I’m tired.  I had an international reputation, didn’t I?  For… crime or something?  Hey Hudders.  Haha.  Okay more drinking.  He just touched my leg.  Why does that make me think of sex?  Oh well.  Is John pretty?  No, I just have sexual urges around him because he looks like my dad and he has perfect ratios.  I looked this up already.  Dull.  But if I had to say?  God, I don’t know.  I don’t even know who Madonna is.

This case, man.  It seems really important.  Why am I crying?  Cool: not crying now.  Sleepy.  NO, I’ll find your dog.  Look for clues, I’m supposed to know this stuff.

Well that was a waste of a night, I’m going to look into that case again now that I’m sober.  Well, after I look up Major Sholto online.  THERE’S JOHN, QUICK, CHANGE TABS.  What do you ladies like in a man?  Romance is so incomprehensible.  Do any of you have a secret you’ve ever told anyone?  Not you, John.  And there they all go.  Why would a guy steal identities from the obituaries to have a single night of conversation and not call them back?

He’s a married man and that’s just how it is?  I guess John would know.

Wedding time!  Now time for my speech.  I don’t understand why these people are crying.  Whatever, moving on.  Let’s talk about the stag night.  Great.  Now let’s toast this—

Why do I feel like something terrible is about to happen?  It’s about to be too late for something, but what?  I’ve just dropped my champagne.  What is…?

… Okay, in the space of fifteen minutes I’ve not only solved a murder, but also inexplicably realized John was once gay for me and lied about it since Irene at least. He possibly wanted to blow me on his stag night, and upon further reflection I’m not into women or anyone else but John really, and I would have liked that very much.  Except I never thought about this until now, I didn’t even think I was best friend material, and I thought romance was destructive and would carry expectations, but John has always accepted me and it would have been the same as always except with sex.

And I can’t even kill myself because that would destroy John.  Okay.  I’ll just… hey, on the bright side Sholto’s right:  something’s going to kill me one day.  I’ll embrace it when it happens.  Until then… John said nothing will change.  There’ll be cases.  The work.

Yeah Janine, I’m pretty gay.

The wedding must go on.  Nailed the violin solo.  Hey guys, I’ve never made a vow before and I’ll never make one again because John Watson is the only person in the world for me and I was too stupid to see it until it was too late.  So!  Hey John, and Mary.  I’ll be there for you always, and also your kid.

…

He can’t do cases when he has a kid around.  Alone forever.

Sherlock in His Last Vow:  I can’t even look at his chair.  He’s off having all kinds of sex with Mary.  This is killing me.  Cases, take a case.  Magnussen.  Ugh, he sounds reprehensible, blackmailing people who are different.  Research research research.  How long can I string Janine along without having sex with her?  Let’s find out.  This case is also a fantastic excuse to do drugs; I haven’t even seen John in a month.  I’ll be fine, I won’t OD or anything.

Well that went horribly.  How unlucky is it that John turned up?  I knew he couldn’t handle married life.

Yeah this is my GIRLFRIEND John.  (Are you jealous?  Are you missing our alternative lifestyle?)  Anyway Magnussen.  There he is.  Yeah, see, I told you he was terrible, not really shocking he pissed in the fireplace.  Let’s burglarize something together for old time’s sake, you seem like you need the adrenaline fix.

Fake proposal time.  Nailed it.  I’m not going to marry her John, obviously.

Whoa, crime.  Whoa, Mary!  Mary would never shoot me.

Wow.  Mary shot me.  And now I see Sirius and and James and Lily Potter!  Wait, I mean Molly and Anderson and Mycroft.  They’ll get me through this.  I am FREAKING OUT.  Redbeard, I’m gonna die too, it sucks doesn’t it?  Jesus Christ Moriarty is scary.  He says it won’t be so bad dying though.  I’ve been waiting for something to take me out anyway, so… finally.

WAIT JOHN WATSON IS IN DANGER?! RIGHT, MARY IS EVIL OR SOMETHING.

Alive.  Nailed it.

I will now literally bleed my heart out while I track Mary down, show John what’s up, and push them back together.  Because that’s still the mother of his child and I made a vow, and I am selfless as fuck.  John, you are abnormally attracted to dangerous people and situations.  Like me, even though you don’t know I know that.  And Mary.  Don’t tell me I should have married her John, god, you don’t know the half of it.  We can’t all be married.

I will literally go into cardiac arrest as I tell you to trust her, John.  If I die now, that’s fine.  Turns out Mary can provide you an alternative lifestyle too, if you want.  However you manage that with a kid.  I think you’re kind of doomed to not be safe with anyone, and you wouldn’t be happy safe, so.

Welp.  Not dead.  Harder to die for John than expected.  Gives me time to take Magnussen out so John can have some kind of life, though.  If I invite Mary and John over for Christmas they’ll make up.  Yup: super genius.  Now for the ole Christmas drug-n-steal.  Works every time.

Here’s my brother’s laptop, Magnussen.  Give me everything in your vaults on Mary.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Magnussen’s humiliating John, and it’s my fault, and I can’t even do anything about it.  Except blow Magnussen’s goddamn brains out, Merry Christmas.  I was never cut out for sentiment anyway.  Sociopath to the end.  That’s me.

Mary’s safe, John.

Mycroft is sending me off to die.  That’s what I wanted anyway.  So.  John, I’ll probably never see you again but…  God, why even say it?  It’ll torture him.  Leave him happy, with Mary, or there was no point to any of this.  Haha bye.  Ugh.

Moriarty what?

—

Want John’s side of things?