Johnlock and the idea that Sherlock is a sociopath

  (Sherlock Meta by Loudest Subtext In Television)

A lot of people have been getting irritated that John calls Sherlock a sociopath when he clearly isn’t, and that Sherlock refers to himself as a sociopath when he clearly isn’t.  But the reason “sociopath” gets repeated over and over is because it’s a BIG part of the misunderstanding that is currently keeping them from having a relationship.  It doesn’t matter that it’s not true, it matters that Sherlock says it.

Sherlock tells people he’s a sociopath to manage their expectations of him.

John tells himself Sherlock is a sociopath when he needs a reminder that Sherlock is never going to return his feelings.  (i.e. if John calls Sherlock a sociopath, that means he wants him badly at that moment.  Reread the blog with that in mind.)

A thread for John’s feelings, episode by episode across the series, below the cut.

John in A Study in Pink:  Holy hell this guy is thrilling and attractive.  Bit weird but I like it.  Rude, unsociable, that’s fine.  Someone kidnapped me, that was fun.  Sherlock doesn’t do girlfriends— wait could I actually have sex with this guy?  That would really be the jackpot.  Whoa, whoa, okay, nevermind.  He really doesn’t like that idea.

He just said he’s a sociopath and apparently has a drug problem.  And now he’s about to kill himself to prove he’s clever.  Wow this guy has problems.  *shoots the cabbie*  Whatever, so do I and he doesn’t judge me.  I don’t have to pretend to be normal around him.  He makes me feel alive and I’m not giving this up for anything.  Now he’s happy about someone named Moriarty?

I can’t tell Ella about any of this, I know it’s fucked up.  I just won’t go to therapy anymore. It wasn’t working and now I feel great anyway.

John in The Blind Banker:  Sherlock doesn’t like the idea of me having feelings for him so I’ll just date women so he doesn’t get the wrong idea.  This can’t end for any reason. I was at the end of my rope and I don’t know how to live a normal life.

He thinks I’m an idiot, so right: of course he wouldn’t be attracted to me, put it out of mind.  Okay, apparently Sherlock doesn’t even understand the concept of sex and dating.  Really?  He’s so strange.  Okay, it was never going to happen.

And my girlfriend just nearly got killed.  Oh well, I’m not going anywhere!  I really shouldn’t have a crush on this guy, that’s fucked up.

But I do.

John in The Great Game:  Apparently Moriarty is this insane genius that flirts with Sherlock and Sherlock is getting off on solving his crimes.  CHRIST, Sherlock doesn’t even care that all these people died?  I hope you’ll be very happy together Sherlock, Jesus.  So he’s gay for Moriarty?  Whatever, I’m apparently not at ALL what he’s looking for, and I’m not sure he’s what I’m looking for if he’s that heartless.  Yeah, fine, of course I’ll keep helping you with the case, I’m too pathetic to move out.

Now Moriarty’s strapped a bomb to me.  And now they’re flirting.  ”…or are you just happy to see me?” “Both.”  Both, Sherlock?  So he’s gay…?  Right…?  Wow, I’m actually willing to die for Sherlock.  Oh god, I’m in love with him, aren’t I?  I’m not sure he even cares.  Heeey, good thing no one thinks we’re gay, right Sherlock?  … Yeah, that’s what I expected.

I’m in love with Sherlock and he is not in the least attracted to me.  This is bad.  I’m going to throw myself at a million women.

John in A Scandal in Belgravia: Does Sherlock really need to walk around naked in a sheet?  I shouldn’t look.

Okay, I looked.  Ugh.  Why do I do this to myself?

I AM SO JEALOUS OF THIS NAKED WOMAN.  PUT SOME GODDAMN CLOTHES ON.  Now she’s stuck a syringe in him and beat him senseless.  Wow, apparently that’s the kind of shit he’s into: insane geniuses that try to hurt him.  Is he straight then?  Bi?  Why doesn’t he respond to her texts?  I don’t understand this at all.

Now my girlfriend is breaking up with me because she sees how pathetic I am: I’ll do anything for Sherlock.  And he’s chased all my last ones off.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  Sherlock isn’t attracted to me and I can’t have a girlfriend.  I’m picking Sherlock anyway, aren’t I?  God.

Is he mourning Irene?  So he can get like this.  For other people.  And I actually feel bad for him because I love him and care about him, god, I am pathetic.  Alright, I will fuck the first woman who’ll have me when I walk outside.  Oh wait, it’s Mycroft.  Oh wait, it’s IRENE FUCKING ADLER?  Tell him you’re alive, I hate you.  Okay, you know, I’m not actually gay Irene, Sherlock isn’t my only goddamn option, just because we live togeth—  Well.  She can actually tell.  How transparent am I?

AND SHERLOCK OVERHEARD IT.  Oh god.  This is what I’ve been trying to avoid.

Thank god he’s got a gun on this CIA guy.  And now he’s throwing him out the window a lot.  Phew, gives me time to think.  Okay, we can’t just pretend he didn’t overhear what he did.  We have to have that conversation.  ”She’s alive then.”  He’s not saying anything.  ”How are we feeling about that?”  Happy new year, John?  ”Do you think you’ll be seeing her again?”  No response.  …Ouch.  But I knew this.  I knew this.

And now Irene shows up in his bed in his clothes.  He wants to save her.  Of course, she drugs and beats him and he wants to help her.  And of course I’ll help because don’t I always?  He just did a deduction to impress her, ugh.  And now she’s kissed his cheek and threatened to beat him until he begs for mercy, pushed all the right buttons I bet.  Alright, just fuck her Sherlock, I’m out.

Apparently he unlocked her phone and hates her now?  So… heterosexual sociopath?  I guess?  Just a sociopath?  Not capable of a relationship is the important thing, get over him, Watson, he can’t love you back.

Irene’s dead?  Mycroft, Sherlock won’t care, he doesn’t feel that sort of thing.  You’re not so sure?  Well, whatever.  I’ll tell him she’s alive to be on the safe side.  Wait, Sherlock actually wants her phone?  And not as evidence or anything?  So he can feel those things?  Is he in love with Irene?  Is that what that means?

Does it matter?  He’s not in love with me.

John in The Hounds of Baskerville:  Sherlock is impossible and frustrating and I’m still hopelessly in love with him.  Ugh.  And now this gay innkeeper can tell, it’s that obvious to everyone.  I guess I should be thankful Sherlock never says anything when this happens.  It’s awkward but I can have some dignity about this.

Why does Sherlock have to look so cool with his stupid coat and cheekbones?  He does it on purpose, I swear.

And now Sherlock’s just told me I’m not even his friend.  God.  This shouldn’t hurt so much.  I know what he’s like.  This shouldn’t surprise me. Yeah I’ll still help with the case.  Flirting with Henry Knight’s therapist sounds good, any distraction from— and now she thinks I’m gay.  This is pointless, everyone can tell I’m in love with Sherlock, why do I even try?

He drugged my coffee — or thought he did, anyway — and scared me out of my fucking mind and I’m still choosing him over everything else.  Okay, I need to remember: this guy cannot love me back.  He cannot love me back.  Cannot love me back.

John in The Reichenbach Fall:  And now even the newspapers are implying Sherlock is my boyfriend.  Could this get any worse?  But I can’t give up what I have with Sherlock and lead a normal boring life.  I need to just accept he has no feelings and we’ll only ever be friends.  It shouldn’t frustrate me so much that he’s so emotionless.  I’ll just keep correcting him when it’s enough to put others off.

…God it IS frustrating though.  I can’t have him and a girlfriend.  I haven’t even bothered dating until I get over him but I can’t seem to get over him, I’m in love with him and if he could just love me back…

Okay, he doesn’t care if Mrs. Hudson dies?  Really?  ”YOU MACHINE!”

… he killed himself.  I don’t even.  I didn’t even think it would bother him.

I told myself to just accept how he was.  I told myself that.  And I went and lost my patience because I was frustrated he couldn’t love me back and he went and killed himself.  He still needed a friend, everyone needs friends, Moriarty was trying to ruin him and I made him think he didn’t have anyone.  Because I wanted more.

I can’t even talk about this to Ella.  I can’t even…  No point in telling his corpse I was in love with him.  That was the whole problem and he wouldn’t care.  But he was still human even if he wasn’t into relationships, or whatever he was.  And he mattered so much to me.  I can say that.

God I wish he weren’t dead.  I fucked up.  I fucked up so bad.

John during the hiatus:  I am so fucking depressed and full of guilt and I’m still in love with him.  I would do anything to have him back.  If I could have him back, this time I would accept he’s a sociopath and can’t return my feelings.  I would at least have him as a friend, I would at least feel alive again.

I can’t pine after a dead man forever.  Even if he were alive I shouldn’t be pining.  Get a girlfriend.  Okay, yes, Mary.  Alright, this is functional.  She’s nice.  She’s clever like Sherlock and funny like Sherlock and she loves me back.  This is what I’m supposed to want.  Yes life is boring, but my problem was that I never learned how to live a normal life before.  Living a normal life is what keeps me from falling in love with sociopaths.  That’s heartbreak I don’t need ever again.

John during Many Happy Returns:  I shouldn’t watch this video of Sherlock, it’s going to gut me.  Okay, I’m getting drunk and watching this video of Sherlock.  There he is: that’s my sociopath.  That’s my boy.  He’s awful and wonderful.  God I miss him.  God I wish he weren’t dead.  I wish he were alive and just as terrible and unsociable as before.  I could handle it now.  I’d give anything.  I wouldn’t want more of him.

John in The Empty Hearse:  It’s been two years and I’m still not over Sherlock.  I need to put this behind me.  Visit Baker Street one last time, then propose to Mary.  …And just stopping on the stairs and remembering our first case together, and then Irene, is enough to make me cry. Ugh.  It was never going to happen.  Never going to happen.  Okay.

MRS. HUDSON SHERLOCK WAS NOT MY BOYFRIEND, I AM NOT GAY, IT IS NOT UNTHINKABLE I WOULD MARRY A WOMAN.  God, why did I come here?

Okay, just propose.  Just propose and move on.  Mary, I—

Oh my fucking god.  He’s alive.  This cannot be happening.  I knew he was a sociopath, I fucking knew it, OF COURSE he would do this to me.  If I ever needed confirmation that he has NO FEELINGS WHATSOEVER—  I don’t care, I don’t care he’s alive, I’m never seeing him again.  Why did I ever feel ANYTHING for him?  What is WRONG with me?

I’m not shaving for Sherlock Holmes.  Shut up, Mary, I’m not seeing him again.  I’m marrying you.  Yup.  I love Mary, and she loves me back.  Getting married.  Getting the fuck over Sherlock.  That was the push I needed to be certain.  NO MORE FALLING IN LOVE WITH SOCIOPATHS.

God work is boring.  All I can think about is Sherlock.  Okay, I’m seeing him again.  I am pathetic, but I can’t stay away.  Aaargh.

And of course I get kidnapped and thrown in a bonfire.  That was maybe a bit exciting.  I don’t know.  No it wasn’t.  Shouldn’t be.  I need to find out why that happened, though.  So… I need to see Sherlock, right?  Now I’m getting sucked into a case.  I’m seriously addicted to him, to this.  I have issues.

…we’re about to die.  Are we really about to die?  Sherlock is a sociopath, he fakes insane shit like this.  He just wants me to say something nice.  We might actually be dying though and— I wanted him to not be dead, I wanted him back just like he is.  I told myself I’d accept he’s a sociopath this time around.  I wanted to see him one more time, and I got my miracle.  If I die now that’s fine.  Of course I forgive him.  (What the hell is wrong with me?)

…Of course it was a joke.  This is what I wanted.  It’s funny.  No, really, actually funny.  I have to admit it’s funny.  I’m messed up.

We didn’t die and I have him back and life won’t be boring anymore.  And I have Mary, and she actually likes Sherlock, and Sherlock isn’t chasing her off, so I can have a relationship and Sherlock at the same time.  This is all I could ever ask for, right?  This is the best I could hope for.

John in The Sign of Three:  Sherlock isn’t acting like a sociopath.  He’s changed a lot.  He still says thoughtless stuff but he’s bending over backward for me.  He’s planning my whole wedding in his spare time instead of doing cases.  Did something happen?  He seems to actually… care about me.  A lot.

Okay, no, don’t go thinking that way.  He is a sociopath.  Quit feeding your feelings for him, it broke your heart before and it’ll break it again.  Don’t ask more of Sherlock than he can give you.  And there’s Mary.  Mary, who loves you back and is NOT a sociopath.  That’s what you’re supposed to want.  That’s what’s healthy.

God he’s nice though.  Not acting all possessive, and he’s not pushing me away all the time like he did before he faked his death.  I’m his priority for some reason.  And now I’ve asked him to be my best man and he seems stunned to think I care about him.  He seems moved by this. I didn’t think that was possible.

If it’s at all possible…  Am I making a mistake marrying Mary?  Of course not.  No.  Sherlock can’t feel anything like that.  But uh, hey, Sherlock, you know there have been two people in my life that have turned it around, and one is Mary, and the other one is — a complete dickhead.  Right.  He just left while I was talking to him.  Sociopath.  Just.  Forget it.

I should not be this conflicted and glum on my stag night.  I need to know.  I really need to know.  No, it shouldn’t matter, I’m marrying Mary.  God, I don’t know.  More alcohol.  Yes.  Sherlock actually seems like a human being when he’s drunk.  It’s nice lying by him on the stairs.  Let’s drink more, yeah.  If I told him I still had feelings for him, would he…?  I’ll write his  name on this paper.  Maybe it’ll give me an opening.

Christ he’s attractive when he’s drunk.  Just funny and relaxed and no sharp edges.  He can’t be a sociopath, can he?  Something changed, didn’t it?  I’ve never felt this connected to anyone in my life.  Sherlock so help me god if you’re interested I will blow you right now, I’ve been in love with you forever.

Okay, yeah, wow: that whole night was a bad idea.  I’m going to marry Mary, what was I thinking?  That’s terrible.  And Sherlock wasn’t into me, he’s a sociopath and I was drunk and delusional.  Marriage, yes.  I’m certain Mrs. Hudson.

Sherlock, that guy was stealing identities from the obituaries to have one night of sexless connection with women because he was married.  That’s just how married men are.  That’s how good it feels to have a connection with someone, and how much it sucks to be married and bored all the time.

Now I’m married.  Okay.  Committed.  Now marks the start of my new healthy life that isn’t fucked up at all.  I will never fall in love with a sociopath again and my heart will never be broken because Mary loves me and I love her.  I will still have Sherlock to keep things from getting too boring, this is the best I could hope for.

Hey Major Sholto, with whom I had either a requited or unrequited gay thing with in the past.  Good to see you.

Sherlock’s best man speech ought to be something.  Here he goes.  …Oh.  Wow, jesus.  I’m not going to— okay, I’m crying.  What the fuck, Sherlock?  I didn’t know you care about me that much.  I won’t hug him, he wouldn’t like that.  Okay, I’m going to hug him.  Wow.  I can’t believe this.

Wait, what’s going on?  Oh no.  I can’t even follow this.  Okay, someone is going to die?  Well Sherlock would know.  Jesus christ why is he slapping himself?  ”It’s always you John Watson,” what the fuck does that mean?  Why am I standing?  ”What do I do?”  Tell me what to do Sherlock.  Okay, yes, save someone’s life.  Of course.  Of course that’s what he meant.  On standby, then.  Give me the word.

Okay!  Let me kiss you goodbye, Mary, and run off with Sherlock.

Everything worked out.  Phew.  Back to being married.  This is working out, even my wedding was exciting.  Stuff won’t be boring.

Looks like Sherlock maybe ended up with Janine?  Did he?  I’ve known he was straight since Irene, haven’t I? Just put it out of mind.  Dance with Mary.  Don’t think about dancing with Sherlock.  That didn’t mean anything.

And we’re having a child?!  I— wow.  Okay.  That’s it then.  I can’t kid myself anymore.  Mary.  Mary Mary Mary.  I can’t even think about Sherlock anymore.  Nope, won’t do it.  He is a straight sociopath, and Mary is going to be the mother of my child.  Moving on for sure this time.  Hahaha I dunno where those gay rumors came from!

John in His Last Vow:  I don’t like this.  Being married is boring, I haven’t seen Sherlock for a month, and I’m dreaming about him coming to save me from the boredom.  God I wish it had been Sherlock at the door.  Whatever, I’m going to go rough up some druggies.  NO MARY YOU CAN’T COME.  Ugh fine whatever.

Why the fuck didn’t Sherlock TALK to me if he was going to do drugs again?!

Yeah, go take a shower Sherlock.  No I won’t go in your bedroom.  Idiot, of course I’m going in your—

…Am I really seeing this?  He had sex?  That’s something he does?  He can do that.  Sherlock Holmes has sex.  With women.  Women.  This should not…  gut me like it does.  It is none of my business.  Oh my god oh my god oh my god.  Janine, right, I knew that was a thing.  Has nothing to do with me.  Nothing at all.  I am married.  I am going to be a father.  Sherlock is straight.

I can’t even think.  Why can’t I even think.  This shouldn’t matter to me.

She’s the only one who really knows him?  Okay, this isn’t just sex, this looks like a relationship.  My head is spinning.  Sherlock is talking and I can’t even hear him.  He can have a relationship?  With another human being?  A relationship and sex and everything?

With women.  God.  Get over it.  You’re going to be a father.  No Sherlock, I’ll text you if I’m available.

Who am I kidding, of course I’ll burglarize CAM tower.  IS HE REALLY PROPOSING?  Wait, no: he’s fake proposing.  What.  The.  Fuck.  Okay, no, I knew this: complete and utter sociopath.  Who does that?  Sherlock Holmes does that.

It was never going to happen.  Never, ever, ever going to happen.  Wife and child.

DON’T DIE SHERLOCK.  Okay, good, not dead.  And his first words waking up are Mary.  I knew he was straight.  I always knew that.  Haha Mary Sherlock has a crush on you.

HOW THE FUCK DID MARY TURN OUT TO BE A SOCIOPATH.  HOW.  WHY DID SHE HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT.  THIS IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM.  WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP?  WHY IS MY LIFE SO FUCKED UP?

This is unforgivable.  It has to be.  She shot Sherlock and then threatened to kill him if she had to right in front of me.  Sherlock is telling me to trust her, though.  I don’t know.

But she’s going to be the mother of my child.  And she loves me back.  Apparently I’m doomed to be in love with sociopaths.  I don’t know what to do.  If I read these files, apparently I won’t love Mary anymore and then what’s my option?  Pine after Sherlock while he has girlfriends, and not even like the mother of my child?

It’s been months and I still haven’t made a decision.  But it has to be Mary, right?  I’ve just been putting it off because I don’t like any of my options.  I still care about her.  Just get rid of the files so I’m not tempted to quit caring about her.  Just get it over with.

Now Sherlock just announced he’s a sociopath and shot Magnussen in the head right in front of me.  He was unarmed Sherlock.  I don’t even know what that means.  What can it mean when a straight sociopath wastes some guy to protect your wife?  Is he in love with Mary?  I don’t know.  I did say that the two of them should have gotten married.  He got along with her so well.  He forgave her for trying to kill him and threatening to kill him after the fact.  Irene beat and drugged him and he still had feelings for her.  It would explain a lot.

Now Sherlock is leaving forever and I don’t know how to feel about anything.  I am so empty and broken inside.  Everything is a goddamn mess.  I can’t possibly think of a thing to say, I’m hardly even here right now.

—

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